You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize