Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
