Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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