I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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