My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
