I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
