I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize