im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
