nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
