Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
