Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
