We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
