birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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