Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
