tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Randomize
