I hate all girls vehemently.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
