i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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