I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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