Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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