I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
