One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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