mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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