someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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