You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize