i think my mom watched the whole time
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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