the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
