My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
