Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
