Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
third nipple confirmed
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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