i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
