I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
