Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
