My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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