Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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