The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
