In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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