I'm sorry my penis didn't work
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
birth control should be required to get into college
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
