Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize