his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
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