You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
