just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize