so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
