Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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