i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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