last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
