i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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