just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
