Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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