we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
