Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
