I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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