I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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