Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
