Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
