You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Hippo gnu deer
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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