I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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