I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
